Goddess Of Fierce!

...yes today was the premiere of America's Next Top Model and now I'm the goddess of fierce...lol. Anyways since green has refused to write, I've had alot to vent about, so i decided not to wait for her and just go on writing. Well yea UPDATES: since my last post guess who calls me..yea my ex..its crazy, i think we have this love hate relationship...but nevertheless i do enjoy when he calls and when we have our conversation, because we did start off as friends and i guess that's why it is so hard to just "not talk to him"..you know what he did though..he invited me for a special occasion in his life which would involve me being with his family, i was abit hesitant, but come on' we are friends..and Its only right to be there for your friends when they need you most,right? But yea apart from that life is cool, I feel good and I'm happy!!...THANK GOD!

So yea, yea yea today I was sitting down and wondering does your past have anything to do with where your going?...in the sense that If you've had a bad past like messed around(as a virgin) or slept around(as a non virgin) with alot of guys, should that be a factor for a guy to consider when he wants to date you? well my past isn't really that bad? in fact I think its bad just cause I believe you should be whole and untouched until your marriage day? but hmm in the day and age we live in now, u barely find girls like that, but you can find ladies that are partially in the shape..lol! but yea, I don't know!!! is it a bad thing to be promiscuous? or is it a good thing? Ive seen someone who was not the best of a lady through out her life but now shes a wife..isn't that cool? so when i see that I'm like OK, it's OK to be a Little free?idk..and then i meet guys who mess around and want to get married to a virgin and someone who none of his friends have dated or even tampered with? is that possible?..like ohmigosh! Wat to do?well let me get personal..well I have been with 3 guys officially and the experience has been good and could have been worse...the crazy thing is that I dated these three guys and none them knew each other at that time..but they went to the same elementary school and they got to know each other over time isn't that weird? but yea that's not the point...and as i was saying the in between guys Ive kinda messed with are..2 ohmigosh I thought it was more..but i guess the 2 have been major impacts like i feel bad! and i had sex with none of them..but still i wonder if I meet a guy that is ready to date me all that good stuff would he judge me for my in betweens or would he not even care about my past and just like me for who i am? but yea people would talk, and when they do it affects everything!! and we are only human there is SO much we can tolerate...but guess what if the tables turned and it was the guy that had been with so many girls..its not a problem or a factor to even consider!! isn't that weird? double standard? hmm all these unanswered questions?...HELLLP! help me be a better person for my future man to be..lol!!

*Oh my as I was just typing to you, my lover called, he makes me happy now...and this is very random but he is really cute...sucks tho because i don't think I'm going to see for awhile, but hey i believe something! I believe that if it was meant to be it'll be!!!...lol! the funny thing is that (as i mentioned before) he adored me in high school, but i just didn't give a rats tail about him and now I'm considering! is that because I'm single and just hopeful for anything? idk but i feel something good! like most guys come and go and I don't feel anything but the guys that don't come that often are the ones I feel something for...*life is sooooo awkward* buy lets see what happens yea...I'm just going to go with the flow and keep you posted...so yea as i was saying we talk more often now and i love it and i know he does too because he calls and we have nice long convos..maybe all we needed was to get to know each other..omg! i feel like payton from one tree hill!! and he is lucas..lol! *random* alright back to antm! would talk to you later..