Mending...

Ok wow!! life is sooo complicated!! New month new plans...ok so i was abit sad yesterday while I was writing my previous post and I was heartbroken and just felt all messed up and everything, I felt lied too, and cheated too..anyways when i woke up today guess who called ....yea yea "the ex" like ok..whats this about? he rarely calls you know? but yea he called and when I woke up and saw the call i didnt bother calling back because Im just tired of this forward and backward movement, but yea later in the day he starts to text and I replied because he asked me if I had seen his call..but yea, i replied him and then I dont know what pushes me but I ask him about ever cheating on me during our relationship and he says "no" and all that good stuff...(OH NO I didnt get excited) but i felt a little better, (NO I DONT THINK WE ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER)..lol! but I just dont feel lied too and all that..I have a very forgiving soul its crazy! if you do me wrong its hard for me to keep it against you..I try too, but I just cant keep a grudge(kinda good kinda bad)..but yea thats that! but you know what I dislike? why does he come in and out? like OMG!! you know what Im planning on doing? Im planning on changing my phone number..because i think that would be the beginning of a new start, Im tired of all this old baggage!! so if i change my number the only people that would be calling me are the people I want, and the others would just have to live without me, and I also want to get off facebook and stay fully focussed on my blog and my blackberry? what do you think? its pretty drastic but yea I'm thinking about dooing that....I need to drop all this baggage!!

So yea, I was wondering today....Im looking for this perfect guy..am I the perfect girl? I really dont't know? Im not perfect but I'm close to it!! Its crazy but its true...whenever Im in a relationship I give it my all!! Im always in it to win it....thats why I really havnt had that many boyfriends because I only want to be with you if it is real..but yea Im still single...y? because, because, because!!! because of sex! :-( so am i really a good girlfriend if I remain to be a virgin? am i really giving him my all? alot of people say no! alot of people say yes...I heard that I dont fully trust my boyfriend if i havnthad sex with him because sex creates this bond! this unexplainable bond and blahblahblah!! but i dont know about all that because alot of people have sex and still dont have this everlasting relationship with their boyfriends..and truthfully! im so scared of just losing my virginity to anyone and then he treats me bad! I would literally kill mysself because I really dont like pain! I cant take it that well and just knowing the one and only thing I posses and decided to give out leaves me in a bad situation would really kill me...so thats why from a young age I just decided to keep it until marriage but wow!! its hard, because sometimes I think I've met mr. right! ok only once I though I met mr. right! but then he ended up leaving me because I refused to have sex..infact it happend twice :-(!! does that mean it wasnt meant to be? im so confused but i really wish I would meet that someone oneday that is really ready togo at my pace..and wait for as long as I'm ready!!(someone I like) because I do meet guys that are willing to wait but Im just not attracted to them..so yea thats a little bit that was on my mind!!! ..off to study ...